The Shadow of Apology Revisited

Just the other day, right here on this blog, I posted The Shadow of Apology. I would like to take the time to revisit that post because through the help of my friend, who commented on it, I would like to add some clarity that I have have gained since then.

I said before, which I quote verbatim, is “I don’t need to apologize for myself and I don’t have to allow others to apologize for themselves.” While both statements are still true for me, I feel that I need to take the second part of that statement a little bit further by saying that while I don’t have to allow others to apologize for themselves as a means of self-deprecation, which, in recognizing my discomfort, my own limited belief was telling me is just a form of manipulation, I can find myself using that limited belief, in not allowing another to apologize for themselves, as a form of manipulation as well. The truth for me today is that by holding onto that limited belief, I have not yet become free from it and I know this only because I still feel the discomfort that apologies now bring, now that I have recognized that I no longer need to apologize for who I am.

I also recognize that the only way out of the trap is to embrace my discomfort, rather than manipulate around it, so that by doing so, I will come to accept others need to apologize for who they are even though I still recognize that I no longer need to apologize for who I am. Stay tuned!

The Shadow of Apology

I have been noticing lately that when people try to apologize for something that they believe has wronged me, I have also noticed how much I want to nip their apology in the bud by saying “your apology is not welcome” yet I know, in part, that the phrase is not common enough in our language yet to say that way without being misunderstood to the point of escalating into battle of words and hopefully, not come to blows. I have used it gingerly on occasion and I have found myself apologizing in using it, only to find myself having to eat my own words and apologize once more, and it goes on and on.

Yet as I have said since the beginning of this blog, I am not here to defend my actions, I am here to expose them as my unowned shadows, to shed light on them and by doing so, to integrate them with all that is “I”. And as I integrate them with the light in me I get to become whole once again, as if I was not always whole or will always be whole, whether or not I am seeing my shadow at any time, or I am. I now have the freedom to not always be the nice guy or the not so nice guy. I have the freedom to not always see my shadows as I have to see it when it kicks me in the butt. I don’t need to apologize for myself and I don’t have to allow others to apologize for themselves. I can be responsible for what I do and I don’t have to be responsible if someone is damaged by my unwillingness to accept an apology from them which allows them to sink deeper into a quagmire of self-deprecation which is the other side of the shadow of arrogance and when used as such to gain respect through the shadow of another, becomes not only inauthentic, it becomes unethical, as well

I hope what I have said here isn’t taken in the wrong way, but then again, if it isn’t taken in the wrong way by some, it can never be taken in the right way either, for they are two sides of the same coin.

The Shadow of Sacred Cows

As I read a friend’s blog last evening on the subject of sacred cows, which I believed was inspired, in part, by my speaking of a sacred cow of my own in using “I” statements as much as I can when I speak and write, I noticed feeling myself out on a limb as I read it because I saw myself reflected back and, as it usually does when that happens, I felt uncomfortable. Just for the record, what I am talking about when I speak of a sacred cow, is that I am speaking of a person ,thing or idea that I have put above questioning in a way that it becomes unreasonable and eventually unworkable. Anyway, I have to admit that about three years ago, before I took The New Warrior Training Adventure™ weekend and began my journey of the shadow warrior, that I found myself butting heads with this friend of mine on some issues that were sacred cows of my own, and it has very much been my way of making him and countless others wrong by defending those unquestioned beliefs. This time, I saw how I got to have him show up quite differently because I really got it when he said that he was finished with apologizing for any part of his being.

For awhile now, armed with new ammunition for seeing myself in new ways from work I have been doing with myself as a self-declared shadow warrior, I have adopted the use of the “I” statement to the point that it has become a sacred cow of which my friend spoke and as I noticed my discomfort in his speaking to sacred cows in general, I now find myself in the position of being able to call myself on it. In doing so, I have the opportunity to set myself free from it by simply seeing that I have made it so.

So what does that mean for the case I have made for using “I” statements, as I have here on this blog, so far? The answer is, it means nothing. As I said when I started this blog last year, I am on a journey and as I write each piece, I am speaking from what I see today, and if I am saying it differently now than I said it yesterday, it is simply because I am at a different point along my journey today than I was yesterday.

I certainly needn’t apologize for that, so I won’t. At least now I can perhaps avoid stepping in some of the sacred droppings because I can see a sacred cow clearly for what it is, just another way in which I can get stuck in my own delusion.

I can also thank my friend for pointing it out.